Tough Choices

At this very moment I should be asleep, laying on an operating table while my tubes are being tied and burned. So, why am I at the computer blogging?

Yesterday was my pre-op at the hospital for my tubal ligation surgery that was suppose to be taking place right now! All day I was a nervous wreck, my emotions were all over the place and I cried almost every time I looked at my sweet baby. I thought I was very sure of myself in my decision to become sterile. That was until, it started becoming so real. I kept telling myself, this is what you need to do. But, my heart was telling me otherwise. Not because I see myself having more kids. I just don't feel comfortable still being so young and the option being taken away from me should I change my mind later in life. I made the decision VERY last minute but I prayed about it, cried over it and the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach and deep in heart just wouldn't allow me to go through with it. Being a mother is who I am, raising kids is what I do. At this very moment in my life my hands are full enough and I am done bringing babies into this world. But, my love for kids is there. So, I can't speak for how I feel as my babies start getting older. I may want another. I may not. But, at least I still can if I should choose to.

Every time I look into the eyes of my children I get such a feeling of love and joy. When I look at my sweet Kyle and he smiles at me with all of his gums showing, I will be reminded of my I made the decision I did. I'm sure I will be called crazy and that's just fine with me. I'm sure I have been called worse. But this was my decision to make. My husband didn't want me to go through with it either. If we were to change our minds and decide we are definitely done having kids forever then we will do something about it then. I just couldn't go through with something I was feeling so uncertain about. I am so glad I am sitting at this computer right now instead of on that operating table having my future taken away from me.

I'm not even sure what made me decide I wanted to have my tubes tied in the first place. Maybe it was because at first I was overwhelmed with having 4 kids? Maybe it was the rude comments I received and still get over how many kids I have? Either way, it doesn't matter. I am not having the surgery done at this point in my life and I couldn't be more happier with the decision I made. I have learned a very valuable lesson from all of this. If you have the slightest bit of doubt in anything your have a choice of doing, then don't. There is a reason you are doubting yourself in the first place.

Catching Up

I have totally been a slacker this Summer when it comes to my blogging. I am beginning to think blogging is more of a Winter hobby. But, I have also came to the assumption that when you have four kids just having a hobby is a miracle. Between the diaper changes, the laundry, dishes, baths, play time, cleaning, cooking etc. there isn't much time in a day left to have a hobby.

I've always heard the expression that when your cup is already full it's bound to overflow. I'd say that raising four kids justifies having a full cup. I made the decision to put off starting my classes in the Summer so I could spend more time with my girls while they were out of school and enjoy my newborn. I almost talked myself out of starting classes this Fall as well. I feel selfish for even thinking about doing something for myself. The time spent working on school work is time that's being taken away from my kids. But at the same time, Me wanting to continue my education is FOR my kids. So, I can help give them a better life and show them that having an education in this day and time is important. I can always find a million excuses to keep myself from starting my classes, for putting it off just a little longer until I get to the point that I just forget it all together. It's not a good time, we can't afford it, will I be able to pass classes, I'm scheduled to have surgery at the end of the month etc. But I have also realized that with any amount of children there is always going to be something coming up. And with four kids you better believe that "being a good time" to start anything probably doesn't exist. So, in 2 weeks from now I will be starting my 4 full time classes and doing the best I can juggling school and my duties as a mom and wife. Wish me luck!

I mentioned surgery; yes, I am going through with having my tubes tied. This was also something I have debated with myself and nearly talked myself out of. Not because I want more children, I don't, but because of the complications and the actual surgery. I've never had surgery before and I am the type of person who thinks about every little unrealistic thing that could go wrong. My surgery was scheduled for a sooner date but because of some issues with my health it's been put off till the end of the month. I just want to be healthy and not have to fear everyday of my health taking a turn for the worse. I just pray that everything goes well with my health, with school and with my surgery. I feel like I ask so much of God that it too makes me selfish. Why is it so hard for us Mommy's to EVER think of ourselves without feeling guilty?

Enough of the serious stuff... We took our girls on a cave tour a few weekends ago at Mammoth Cave National Park. I love it there! I remember going on field trips to the cave when I was in Elementary school. The cave was something I was always so fascinated with, and still am! I couldn't wait for my girls to experience a tour. We chose the Mammoth Passage tour for them, it was a shorter tour and kind of an introduction to the cave. They absolutely loved it and I can't wait to take them back on a longer tour. I didn't get very good pictures considering how dimly lit the cave is but here are a few: