At this very moment I should be asleep, laying on an operating table while my tubes are being tied and burned. So, why am I at the computer blogging?
Yesterday was my pre-op at the hospital for my tubal ligation surgery that was suppose to be taking place right now! All day I was a nervous wreck, my emotions were all over the place and I cried almost every time I looked at my sweet baby. I thought I was very sure of myself in my decision to become sterile. That was until, it started becoming so real. I kept telling myself, this is what you need to do. But, my heart was telling me otherwise. Not because I see myself having more kids. I just don't feel comfortable still being so young and the option being taken away from me should I change my mind later in life. I made the decision VERY last minute but I prayed about it, cried over it and the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach and deep in heart just wouldn't allow me to go through with it. Being a mother is who I am, raising kids is what I do. At this very moment in my life my hands are full enough and I am done bringing babies into this world. But, my love for kids is there. So, I can't speak for how I feel as my babies start getting older. I may want another. I may not. But, at least I still can if I should choose to.
Every time I look into the eyes of my children I get such a feeling of love and joy. When I look at my sweet Kyle and he smiles at me with all of his gums showing, I will be reminded of my I made the decision I did. I'm sure I will be called crazy and that's just fine with me. I'm sure I have been called worse. But this was my decision to make. My husband didn't want me to go through with it either. If we were to change our minds and decide we are definitely done having kids forever then we will do something about it then. I just couldn't go through with something I was feeling so uncertain about. I am so glad I am sitting at this computer right now instead of on that operating table having my future taken away from me.
I'm not even sure what made me decide I wanted to have my tubes tied in the first place. Maybe it was because at first I was overwhelmed with having 4 kids? Maybe it was the rude comments I received and still get over how many kids I have? Either way, it doesn't matter. I am not having the surgery done at this point in my life and I couldn't be more happier with the decision I made. I have learned a very valuable lesson from all of this. If you have the slightest bit of doubt in anything your have a choice of doing, then don't. There is a reason you are doubting yourself in the first place.
2 comments:
the doubt is there for a reason girl! Crazy or no, it's your life and no one elses choice. Personally even if I feel like I am done for sure, I still can't stand the thought of having my tubes tied. The thought of never having to worry about getting pregnant again would be nice, but it just makes me sad to think about. What if I won the lottery? I would totally have more! What if something happened to Carl? Would I want more kids with another? If you have ANY doubt, you shouldn't go through with it! I am considering a Mirena IUD after this baby is born. I wouldn't consider a vasectomy at this point either for all of the above reasons. These things are technically "reversable" but aren't foolproof and VERY expensive! Go with your gut and God, and you can never go wrong!
I am so glad you didn't go through with it. I don't know you that well yet, but I am sure you would have regretted it! I only have 3 kids & one of those is a step-child & I still get rude comments from people when they think I may want more. Don't they realize that people used to have 10 or 12 kids & that was not uncommon? So why should it be so "crazy" to have 4 today?
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